I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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