I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
