Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
