Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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