he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She announced her abortion via fbk
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
