You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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