Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dignity is for republicans.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
