Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
