Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
