when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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