best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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