I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
