I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
