I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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