im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
