i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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