I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Randomize
