we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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