On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
