Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Randomize
