I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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