I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
