I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
