now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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