You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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