what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
