I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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