do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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