haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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