Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
