I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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