I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
