I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
