I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
