Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
