I am spending my child support on dildos
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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