2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
