imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When are your genitals available?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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