Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
