Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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