Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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