good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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