Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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