just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
