i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
