He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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