i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
