I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
