New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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