I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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